This is an open apology to anyone affected by my disappearance.
I haven’t gone anywhere, per se.
But I know I’ve been pretty silent on my end.
I always swore the next time I got into a relationship I’d do it differently. By differently I mean, not spend every waking moment with my new someone.
And while there have been days I haven’t seen him, there have been long stretches of time together, sometimes eating three meals, falling asleep next to one another and doing it all over the next day.
The holidays could take a bit of the blame for that.
Still, this is just what happens. Or rather, this is what I let happen, what I want to happen. I’ve never been good at moderation.
While the all encompassing thing that takes over is a rabbit hole I enjoy falling into, it’s good to come up for air and also to be the friend you were before. You know, that single friend who was out every night and constantly making plans doing this or that.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Maybe I wasn’t waiting around for one person to fulfill every need, but the reason I was always out and about was because I didn’t want to be alone.
I wanted conversation and entertainment and connection. I have various people from different parts of my life, some new folks and some who’ve been around for a lot longer. Sometimes I’d spread myself thin trying to cram in three or four events in one day.
So in some ways, it makes sense that when you’re in a relationship, a lot of those needs are met by an individual. Not to mention, getting to know someone on such an intimate level is intense, enjoyable and comes with that rush, that inertia that isn’t a factor in friendships.
Maybe what I’m getting at is human touch.
This is the reason some of us want to be in relationships, right? To find a person that encapsulates all of the things that go along with friendship and also makes our hearts skip a beat. Oh, and jumpstart a libido that more or less had been shut down for years.
The part I missed most about having someone in my life was intimacy. I’ve experienced so many things with my friends, even pseudo dating scenarios. But at the end of the day I went to sleep alone. So many times that I started to convince myself I preferred it that way.
A new relationship is kind of like landing a dream job you’ve been trying really hard to get after a super long stretch of unemployment. It takes up a lot of time and energy and now you’re left with less time for yourself and for everything else you’d been doing when you weren’t working. And yeah, waking up late and doing whatever I wanted with my day was awesome, but it wasn’t what I was striving for. At the same time, a job is a job. It’s work and it’s not perfect and eventually you won’t be the new person anymore.
I want you to know I didn’t forget you. I’m still here if you need me. My needs have changed a bit, but this doesn’t make you any less valuable or important.
But if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to spend some time with the person I’m having sex with. As much time as possible.