Monthly archives: January, 2015

15 Rules for My Ex’s Next.

Breakups are hard. This is a known fact but sometimes you hold on for so long and try to make it work for so long that you eventually have to understand what is best for you and him. I was dating a guy for awhile on and off for a few months. During that time we worked on ourselves and each other more than we were officially together… a fact that was brought to my attention only recently. I guess it seems that when you are bailing water out of the Titanic you just keep your head down and don’t look at your watch. That said the battle is over it seems and the wine stained white flag as been thrown up above both of our doors.

I am probably the most at fault for this and I can own that. Especially when I look back on my own reactions and decisions in the relationship. That said he is a good kid that is just now dipping his toe into the gay scene and homosexual dating world (in comparison to my 14+ years in the scene not a statement of immaturity on his part.) I can only hope that the next person he decides to let into his life will treat him the best possible and give him the experience he truly deserves. Whomever that guy is I wanted to just give him a quick study on how to make him as happy as possible and be the man that I now know I could not… not for him… one day I’ll figure it out but until then I don’t want him to have to waste any time on being happy… so here it goes:

  1. Make sure he feels like he’s the only person in the room.
  2. Always have SoCo in the freezer just in case you end up pregamming at your place before going out.
  3. Don’t try and make the bed. Well try. But he will probably fix it anyway. It’s charming not weird.
  4. When he asks you how his outfit looks be honest and supportive. He’s usually on point but still trying to get used to his city fashion.
  5. Never leave him to go inside while you are both smoking. It’s ruder than you think… I just smoke really fast.
  6. Always follow through on your plans.
  7. Don’t make him ask you more than once to come over. You look like an insecure asshole.
  8. If you see any little item in a store that reminds you of him, buy it for him. Everything he owns has a story and you want to be a part of it. Trust me.
  9. Don’t rush anything.
  10. Take him on a date once a week.
  11. Don’t say “I love you” for him to say it back. He’ll get there when he’s ready.
  12. Find a quiet love for Miley Cyrus’s latest album. It means a lot to him.
  13. Always answer the phone when he calls. It’s important to him.
  14. He likes the Low Fat Chocolate Milk. I don’t understand it either but just get him one anytime you can.
  15. Don’t ever make him cry. Be there for him. Love him… and If you hurt him I’ll kill you.


Happy 2015! Let’s Hope I Don’t Die Alone!

Happy 2015!

I hope your New Year’s celebrations were great. I spent my NYE schlepping coats for extra money and wondering what a master’s degree means anymore. (There’s always the one who lost her coat check number and tells us, “It’s black. With fur trim.” There’s 150 coats in the basement and you just described 67 of them.)

But after actually a great night post coat checking, I woke up a little tired and a bit cham-pained (see what I did there?), and went to meet my (guy) friend for brunch.

My friends Kito & Zac have adorable traditions they do for the holidays every year. They spend New Year’s Day watching The Wizard of Oz. (I love them even more for this.) When I read this list, I felt a pang of jealousy. I want that, I want holiday traditions with my lovely partner. I love this.

At our brunch, my friend and I caught up and discussed our lackluster dating lives, how he hits on women on by giving them a list of comedians and asking them which they identify with most (this killed me!), and about the worst date ever I just had last weekend (he ordered a long island with grenadine). And we also discussed on this New Year’s Day that maybe 2015 will be the year. The year we lock it down. The year we find the person we may spend the rest of our lives with.

And we also talked about the real possibility that we may actually die alone. Another year here, another year without finding “the one”. This year, we’ll be turning 33 and 35, respectively, and neither of us imagined having single gal/guy pal brunch on New Year’s Day. We imagined the holiday traditions like Kito and Zac.

We discussed how this possibility is terrifying. How we have to have conversations in our heads to come to terms with this. About how we think about the ones who got away. About how we may never share a bed permanently (also, I hate the idea of sharing a bed, like, forever).

But the more I’ve considered this real possibility today, I’ve thought about how lucky I am to have a friend like this. How love means so many things, how I can have a friend who agrees to meet me at 2pm instead of noon so I can lay back down after taking an Advil. So maybe we’ll be perpetual bachelor/bachelorettes, become crazy dog people and never share a bed, but at least we’ll have each other.

Best wishes this year and happy 2015!