Varietals of Holiday Texts I Received Today

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1 weird .gif from this one.

1 very nice message from a guy who friend-zoned me after admitting my unrequited feelings

1 generic Merry Christmas message from a random ex I haven’t communicated with since his last text on Thanksgiving, wishing me another generic holiday message.

8 streamed Christmas emoji messages in a row from a dude I simply have listed as “Jay” in my phone. Jay, have we ever been on a date? Did we ever meet?

1 from the 22 year old I was dating for awhile this fall who usually just sends me frowny faces or “I’m thinking about you” messages but hasn’t asked me on an actual date since September.

1 holiday wish from one who has been making dates with me and then bailing on all of them for the last 9 months and then who later confessed to me he’s interested in being a swinger.

Not that I don’t appreciate the happy holidays and the merry Christmases, but my best friend doesn’t send me a generic text on Christmas. My family doesn’t send me streams of Christmas emojis. What makes ex boyfriends/generic men of my life seem to think it’s a good time to get in touch?

So Christmas makes it an easy excuse for contact? Of course no one will complain that you crafted that mass text message to all the hoes listed in your contacts, because, awwwww, you thought of me. You find all the single childless women you want to put your candy cane in and hope one will get busy with you under the tree this year? Well I’m calling some bullshit. This is some damned e-maintenance wrapped up in a big crappy emoji Christmas bow and good wishes.

Guess what? You want to get in on some holiday action with me? GIVE ME A DAMNED PRESENT. Not because I need or want presents, but that’s what you would do if we were actually dating. Maybe contact me the day after Christmas, even next week. Ask how I’m celebrating, ask what Santa brought me. Call me, for the love of Jesus and the manger.

Just don’t expect to fawn all over myself because you were just so thoughtful to think of me during this holiday season, because emojis are not impressive dude.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

-Melinda

P.S. a very nice guy I haven’t actually met yet actually phoned me last night to talk and to say Merry Christmas. I was so taken aback, I about peed my pants. And then, he made a DATE. Time and place and all. So I guess Christmas miracles are possible.